shame and glory

The quiet that finally filled my home this afternoon (read: Maggie finished crying herself to sleep) allowed me a few moments of reflection in the Word that I have neglected to really cherish lately. I love it - so why do I put so many other things ahead of meditating on truth?

I was reading along merrily until I ran into the brick wall of Psalm 25:1-2:

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame... Indeed, non who wait for you shall be put to shame..."

My life lately has been more like this:

"in you, o soul, do I trust - I don't want other people to think poorly of me - indeed, I better manage my life well so that no one can point their finger or look down on me."

Ouch!

So what happens in my heart now? Repent. Beg for mercy, and for grace to desire that God's Name be glorified and exalted through the living of my life, not that my own name will be lifted high and praised. In my ugly little heart, I want people to say "Do you see Kelsey? She works full time and teaches her daughter the ways of God and honors and submits to her husband and manages her home well and has time to be a godly friend and neighbor and witnesses to the lost ... etc. AND that's all wrong!

The rest of this will be awkward because it's still being worked out in my heart/mind/soul. One of the most practical ways that my prideful heart is wanting my name to be glorified at the expense of God's glory is in the area of my work as a nurse. (Oh how subtle the enemy's plot: take a good thing and twist it into a selfish thing!) While I am finishing my nursing degree, my husband asked me to not work more than a certain number of hours per month. This is completely logical and I have no problem submitting to this on the surface... until I start to worry about what my coworkers think about me, or what it looks like when I'm only there a few days a month... or I start to feel like I'm not "in" at work anymore. And so I start to complain about it, start trying to figure out ways to tweak an already packed schedule so I can fit in more work ... under the guise of "there's a nursing shortage...they need me...it's a ministry...I'm taking care of people." Yet my heart is wrong: underneath it all is my pride, and my fear of being ashamed before others for doing the will of the Lord and honoring my husband. How much sweeter and more fulfilling it would be to trust the Lord, leave my reputation in His hands, and respect my husband and honor his wishes for our family!

Now I am praying that I will love to glorify God's name and forget about trying to honor my own, and believe the promise that those who trust in Him will not be ashamed.