Beloved sleep

True confession that will surprise no one: I, Kelsey, am something of a sleep-addict. I didn't realize how much I idolized sleep and cherished every moment of undisturbed bliss until I married my husband and realized he didn't need as much sleep as I did to function. He would tell you that I need at least 10 solid hours to be a happy, well balanced woman. He's probably right.

I claimed that my sleep was a precious gift from a loving Father who cared about me. I could back it up with great verses from the Psalms:

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:8

Or this one:

Psalm 121:4 Behold He who keeps Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. < He lets me sleep because He doesn't have to. Yay!

And my all time favorite verse to remind myself and my husband why it is ok to be a sleep-addict:

Psalm 127:2 ...for He gives to His beloved sleep.

This was all very well and good and my theology of sleep was allowed to slumber on without interruption until August 12, 2010. Enter an 8 lb 3 oz blue eyed angel who didn't read up on her mommy's theology of sleep before she arrived. She should have. It would have made life a lot easier.

Suddenly my concept of sleep as a gift from my heavenly father was getting trashed by hourly wakings from the littlest Medlin who needed feeding, changing, rocking, or comforting. I have prayed almost constantly for the past 9 months and 3 weeks that my child would sleep through the night. For the past 9 months and 3 weeks the longest I have slept at one time was 5 hours. And that occurred only once. For some, that's a full night of sleep. For a sleep-addict and sleep-deprived mommy, that's just not a "good gift" from a heavenly Father.

Or is it?

If we then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to our children, how much more does our heavenly Father give good gifts when we ask him?

As I have begged, pleaded, bargained, and cried before my Father for a peace-filled night, has he actually been answering my prayers all along? What am I really looking for in sleep? Refreshment. Strength. Healing. Rejuvenation. Silence. Peace. A break. Hmm... all those words sound a lot like something I should be looking to receive from Jesus, not my pillow.

What I really need is Jesus. He is my refreshment. My strength, my healing, my source of peace and a quiet heart. And He uniquely knows sleepless nights like no other: check out Mark 14. Jesus knows all about long, sleepless nights. He knows what it's like to be faced with a need and hear someone snoring from the rock (or pillow) beside you.

The one thing I really want even more than 8 hours of sleep is to know Jesus, see his glory, enjoy his presence, and share in the fellowship of his suffering. Jesus knows all about sleep. He knows my weakness. He walks with me through it, endures the night with me, and greets me in the early morning light with his faithfulness of bringing me through yet another sleepless night. I'm learning to appreciate his presence at 1 a.m... 2 a.m... 3 a.m.... learning through moments of temper and moments of grace that he is there, even when life feels yukky and sanctification is the last thing on my mind. He is faithful. He doesn't give up. He doesn't sleep either.

What a wonderful Savior!